It’s never too early to satisfy a blog craving

First off, Yes, it is 7 a.m. as a write this. Like Jason Galloway, I’m lying in my bed and I cannot sleep. However, after reading his post I decided to do anything but write a top 10 countdown (Sorry JG, but I just can’t support anything with Tim Tebow being praised like that).

You may also be thinking that I am the only person awake/online at this hour on Christmas Eve. Well, I too had this assumption and in fact, was quite excited about it. I thought I would be able to cross off one of my life goals which is to be the only person on Facebook Chat at any particular moment. There have been about 5 other opportunities for me to have accomplished this and the anticipation has really been building. Unfortunately, Taylor Britton left his Facebook up and is online with a little crescent moon by his name. Damn you Britton, damn you (feel free to voice your displeasure here). The other thing that is killing my buzz is my internet is incredibly slow. Who the hell is online taking my bandwidth? It should be running smoothly but is going so slow that I am typing this on Word rather than Wordpress. Third, someone is definitely awake in my house because it sounds like elephants got loose upstairs. How the hell have I slept here for so long?

 So, now that any reason for being up this early has ended, I’m simply annoyed, which is why I’m going to jump straight into the Thing that annoyed me most recently. As I was driving home last night, Beyonce’s If I Were a Boy came on. What the hell is wrong with Beyonce? She can’t settle for being an incredibly good-looking, wealthier-than-I-could ever-dream superstar? (Speaking of which, I’d like to put something out there right now. Rihanna is number 1 on my list. Don’t try and convince me otherwise because it won’t work. You may have heard a rumor that my laptop speakers went out blasting Rihanna. It’s true. While I agree that Megan Fox is the hottest girl alive, I’d rather be Chris Brown. End of discussion.) And why would she want to be a dude? Is she trying to encourage us to go gay or revealing something about herself? You decide. I’ll just be annoyed when I hear it for the billionth time.

 I also have a bone to pick with Kay Jewelers. Their commercial with the guy flirting in sign language really freaks me out for a couple of reasons. 1. What was the marketing strategy behind that one? “Guys, we are really missing out on the deaf community. It’s a market we could really tap into this holiday season.” (That remark was most likely said highly sarcastically.) 2. How desperate is the guy in the commercial? Rewind a year or so when that couple is meeting. You’re the guy at a bar. You approach the cute girl (more commonly referred to as a “biddy” and will be henceforth referred to as such in this blog) and open with a line that has worked 1/10^th of the time (if that). Not only does she not respond, but once you get her attention she starts flashing gang signs in your face. Not cool. How desperate must that guy have been to continue to pursue? Am I that desperate? No (Yes). But I guess I must applaud the guy for making it happen. Still, weird commercial.

 I’ve been informed by Connor that there would be no legitimate way to compare the hits I receive to the hits to “connornolte.com” (Yes, it does sound like he is scared — and my Gary Sheffield bobblehead agrees with me. Gary also told me that he did steroids when he was on the Braves, loved Joe Torre and that I look good without a shirt on) so I have decided to replace that goal with this: To somehow get Terry Bradshaw to call for my resignation/call me an embarrassment to my profession. If he were to somehow call out this blog I might just end it (though more out of sheer glee than because I am embarrassed or need to apologize). I refuse to apologize for anything on this blog. Which is why I am not sorry that I messed up the link in the last post (though I did fix it and recommend you view that exact page because of Harrington’s outrageous hair). Props go to Rob Parker for showing me the light. And for making me laugh.

You may have seen the Yankees signed Mark Teixeira. I guarantee you the first time anyone saw this reported they had one of two reactions. 1. Holy Sh*t! (The Yankee fan who may have simultaneously done this) or 2. Are you f*cking kidding me? (The Yankee hater). Fortunately, I am the former. So ha!

I’d like to end this discussion with a quotation from one of my top 5 hero’s, Showtime.

Me: I thought he was going for the Showtime look.

Showtime: Well, that’s impossible. There’s only one person who can pull off that look besides me.

Me (Thinking he would suggest his son, Hans): Who’s that?

Showtime: MJ

And that’s why he’s called Showtime.